rooted, but still growing

Archive for February 2008

So, remember a few weeks ago when I said things in my life were so good that I was wondering when the roof was gonna cave in?

Uh, yeah. It caved. Big time. I’d rather not discuss the grimy details, as nothing is for certain just yet. Everyone is fine … there are just some things happening that will potentially rock. my. world. … And not in the “OMG I just slept with Jon Bon Jovi!” way.

I am completely bewildered at a time I should be excited. The cosmic forces must definitely be against me, because it seems that every time life settles down and gets comfortable, the universe has to intervene and shake it all up. It’s been happening on a regular basis for nearly three years, usually every three to six months. I’m not talking about minor things — it’s stuff that has/had the potential to dramatically change my life, as well as Steve’s. I don’t exactly know how I feel, but it’s somewhere in the mix of sad/scared/resentful/angry. I am soo tired of being placed in this position, backed against a wall where the only way out is a decision that, no matter what, will hurt someone. I’m tired of trying to be selfless, and I’m for damn sure tired of being the one who is always hurt by the decision.

But you know the what is the crappiest thing? This is so difficult because we’re just trying to do what’s right. None of this is anyone’s fault … it just happens (we’re lucky like that — ha!). That’s how this situation is different from the previous ones, where the “right” thing to do was always known. Hard, but known. And granted, the right thing to do wasn’t always done. This time, there is no clear path. We don’t know what is best.

Blargh!

We’ll know more about what will happen tomorrow morning, but it could drag on for a week or more before it’s completely decided. Until then, my time will be spent alternating between worrying, trying not to worry, worrying, trying to sleep, worrying, and so on. I tried drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns, but I could only choke down a couple spoonfuls. You know it’s bad when even ice cream can’t make you feel better.

I do take some pleasure in the fact that Hillary Clinton is kicking Barack Obama’s ass in the super Tuesday primaries. But again, the future is yet to be seen.

If only I had a crystal ball.